What makes it hard for people who got a divorce because their partner cheated on them to move on with their lives? I want to discuss the potential issues and baggage that a deceived spouse can have in subsequent relationships. Getting over a divorce is never easy, but it’s more difficult when infidelity is a factor. I will tell you the story of Martha, who is facing this problem and will inspire you.
- Martha’s husband of 26 years and the father of her three lovely children was having an affair with a woman far younger than any of them. The first thing she did was force him to leave. He showed almost no regret for his actions. As far as he was concerned, she needed to get over it. Ultimately, she invited him back too soon for the children’s sake. Given his lack of honesty, she wasn’t even sure what she needed to forgive him. He had no interest in altering his routine and the only thing he thought required altering was her attitude. As a result of her husband’s inability to commit to a monogamous relationship, they eventually separated and divorced.
When asked how one might proceed after “the finest of who they were” had been “shredded and rejected,” she posed an interesting question.
- It’s been eleven years since that tragedy occurred, but only recently has mending begun. Despite being the family’s primary decision-maker, she failed to prioritize her recovery while doing so. For her, the essentials were taking care of her family and ensuring her kids had a stable place to grow up. To paraphrase what she said: “Didn’t think I deserved to have desires in the first place. Everything was terrifying. I lost more than my husband when he left; I lost my entire world. Almost everything that made me who I am was taken away from me: my house, many of our friends, and the fact that I was his divorced or betrayed spouse, I faced particular difficulties in life.”
Divorce is the most excellent option for some people, but it’s not easy for anybody involved.
To succeed, they will need to overcome obstacles associated with it like:
The betrayal shatters the reality of the damaged spouse, and as a result, they have difficulties believing the truth, judgment, others, and even themselves. After ending a marriage, how can you be sure you won’t repeat the same mistakes? How can you learn to trust another person with your heart? The problem won’t magically disappear even if you discover Mr. or Mrs. Wonderful. To the extent that one can expect to heal to the point where one can regain confidence in oneself and hope for the future, substantial effort on the person’s part is required. Until that time of healing arrives, it isn’t easy, at best, to entrust one’s soul to the care of another.
Provoking
Betrayal may be very upsetting for the spouse who has been hurt by it. Divorce is not a solution to the difficulties posed by emotional inundation. Even years after the event, people may still experience powerful, passionate emotions when reminded of it. An unfaithful partner may comprehend the basis for that reaction, but those who weren’t present during the tense moment may be perplexed. If they don’t take the time to process the trauma of the betrayal on top of recovering from the divorce, they might be susceptible to emotional floods for years to come.
Having been hurt by a partner’s infidelity, the harmed spouse may experience unwarranted jealousy in subsequent relationships. While this makes perfect sense, the demand for security may be even more significant for these people. The decision to trust again after a divorce is crucial, but it might be challenging daily. It’s understandable why constant vigilance would become second nature to such a person. If I let you betray me once, shame on you; if you fool me twice, shame on me. The adage “better safe than sorry” may become restrictive for someone who fears being injured again in a relationship.
Risk aversion
Risk aversion is a common issue for those who divorce because of infidelity. One method to protect oneself emotionally in future relationships is to keep some parts of oneself hidden. Going “all in” might be daunting for those who would rather avoid potential suffering. When moving on from a divorce and into a new relationship, you may feel stuck at a certain point in the relationship, such as when intimacy levels increase.
Pessimistic perspective
Those who have been betrayed may develop hatred towards those of the opposite sex. Someone seeking security can decide to believe that all men are liars or all women are cheaters. Divorce does nothing to change widespread generalizations about an entire population. Divorce can lead to a lifetime of resentment and distrust of the other sex. A cynical outlook on life brought on by a lack of willingness to forgive and reconcile can prohibit former friends from ever talking again.
Divorce Hangover
The aftermath of divorce creates an array of emotions and most of them are not good. Sometimes we find ourselves in this uncomfortable place of feeling fear, pain, shame, guilt, embarrassment, and more as a result. I call this the “DIVORCE HANGOVER.”
Whether it’s a divorce that results from infidelity or is amicable, contentious, toxic, or abusive, a divorce can rock you to your core. Many women say that a divorce changes who they are.
Without Recovery
For those who choose not to work on themselves and follow the path to emotional growth and happiness, the results are awful.
- They can be stuck in resentment, anger, pain, fear and other negative emotions for a lifetime, preventing themselves from happiness.
- They find people aren’t attracted to this negative approach to life feel abandoned.
- Loneliness becomes their way of life.
- They deprive themselves of a more robust, exciting and fulfilling life.
- They find themselves being attracted to and repeating the same mistakes over and over resulting in more misery and pain.
Want to move past the pain and shame of divorce? Feel less guilt and embarrassment? Experience a life full of self-worth? Reclaim your life?
Do you get stuck with emotions of the past? Have trouble forging a new identity? Want to find your authentic voice and power?
Have you experienced more self-doubt than self-love? Wonder what happened to your life? Want to feel beautiful again? Feel like you’ve lost your life?
Do you desire a different path to happiness? Want to be proud of and value the “new” you?
If you answered “yes” to any of these, then you are in the right place and have found your solution.
My Divorce Recovery Coaching Program that is confidential and customized to your unique situation with one-on-one personal support, designed just for your situation. It moves you from being stuck in painful past emotions and experiences, to a vibrant and happy future where you thrive.
Many women have spent their lives investing in and caring for others only to neglect themselves. It’s time to change that now. Make your emotional recovery from divorce and essential part of your like. Remember, the benefit from this investment will be felt for a lifetime, not just the short term.
