Getting through a divorce can be extremely difficult at best, even when both parties are doing their best to cooperate. In cases where there is high-conflict, divorce can turn from challenging to disaster quickly, as one or both parties tend to exhibit extreme behaviors, has lots of unmanaged emotions, and blames others for pretty much everything. Post-divorce interaction can be equally challenging.
Here are some emotional and practical approaches for getting through a high-conflict divorce, and moving on to a better life:
Keep contact to a minimum
A high-conflict person is a bully and thrives on confrontation. He or she will twist what you say and use your words against you. The best strategy in dealing with this type of ex is to minimize contact as much as possible and keep things short and sweet. Eliminate face-to-face meetings when possible, and always communicate in writing, even when you think a quick phone call will suffice. It may seem like overkill, but if an issue arises, being able to pull up texts, e-mails, and letters in court is much easier than having a “he said, she said” moment.
Don’t share with your ex
It’s tempting to think that you can share your feelings with your ex and this person will see how much he or she is hurting you. But in a high-conflict divorce, what you say can and will be used against you. Your family, friends, attorney, and counselor are your support system; they’re there to listen to how you’re feeling. And although it’s important to keep yourself accountable for your role in the relationship, admit your mistakes in a safe environment. With your ex, it’s best to stick to the facts. Don’t try to emotionally lean on your spouse. Keep your new relationship practical, and emotional boundaries clear.
Set firm boundaries; have a specific, written parenting plan to eliminate ambiguity; and don’t expect that things will go the way you want them to when the kids are with your ex. Watch out for irrational fear and judgement.
It’s about them, not you
It may be hard not to take things personally, especially when your ex is calling you names and putting you through emotional hell. But, in reality, your ex is lashing out because he or she is feeling insecure and out of control, two things high-conflict people despise. Just remember, even when your ex’s behavior is at its worst, it’s still about your ex, not you. You are not the problem, your ex is. Practicing acceptance is difficult, but essential. This is also critical for post-divorce emotional health.
Take charge of your situation
The family court system is bogged down, and most judges won’t have the kind of time needed to accurately assess your complicated situation. You’ll need to do the work of bringing things out for the court to see and consider. Being a “nice guy” or trying to save your high-conflict ex from himself or herself won’t get you what you need in the divorce. So many people look back on their divorces and which they had exercised their voice and demanded what was right for them. If you have past issues that prevent you from claiming your own power and voice seek a coach that can help you stand up and speak.
In certain cases, it is best for all communication during the divorce should go through attorneys. But what about after the divorce? Remember, pausing before acting is a critical tool. If you receive and inflamed text or call, take a little while to compose yourself, do a task unrelated to the communication to shift your perspective before you come back to respond; write a draft of your response and don’t send it until you’ve taken some time away to clear your head.
Hold to your boundaries and be consistent
Dealing with a high-conflict spouse can be like dealing with an unruly child. Consistency is key to navigating the minefields ahead. Setting boundaries is essential to your mental, emotional and physical wellbeing. Being consistent means sticking to the established schedules and routines and doing what your say you’re going to do – don’t back off and change your rules. It does not mean being inflexible; it simply means maintaining the health and well-being of yourself and your entire family by insisting that boundaries are respected. Writing down rules and timelines is essential to sticking to your original plan.
Be prepared
It may be relieving to think that the worst is over, but when dealing with a high-conflict personality, this is usually not the case. Even when things seem to be settling down, you need to remain vigilant. Document everything. Keep your communications factual and on point. Celebrate your victories, but don’t let down your guard. Don’t change the rules because of a temporary change in behaviour or emotional pleading.
Don’t take the bait, no matter how nasty your ex behaves. Document, document, document. Keep your emotions in check. And seek the help you need to move on.
Narcissism and Domestic Violence
‘Do not try to deal with these situations alone. Your safety and that of children is paramount. Seek out a professional therapist or domestic violence counselor to help guide you through this process. The majority of severe abuse and death occurs when a spouse attempts to leave the marriage. Work on a plan with an experienced guide. Do not leave without it. The US Domestic Violence hotline is (800) 799-7233. Be safe!
Self-care
During this grueling process, your energy can be drained, your physical health may deteriorate, your concentration can wane, your ability to cope with tasks may diminish, and you may be overwhelmed with all your new responsibilities. Don’t let these effect your physical and emotional health more your career and children. Take time for yourself, recharge, pace yourself and practice positive thinking and gratitude. Remind yourself of all the awesome things about you. Journaling can be a great outlet and well as experience coaching. Surviving a high-conflict divorce requires strategic thinking and emotional perseverance, but with the right amount of planning and emotional preparation, it is certainly possible to achieve,
Also, don’t turn to a new relationship without learning more about yourself first. Most experts recommend at least a year before getting involved again. Turn to a coach that specializes in divorce recovery and life changes. They can guide you on the road to a more fulfilling and happy life, so that the new chapter in your life is infinitely better than your past.
If you have gone through a divorce, you can get to the other side and live a life worth living. With 25 years of experience, Beverly Price guides you along your journey from getting to know yourself to self-empowerment through transformational coaching, so that you can reframe your mindset and rewrite your story as a confident, happy, and fulfilled woman. To schedule your complimentary Life Change Breakthrough Session, click the button below.
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